I Just Wanted a Cookie Sheet...

So, I bought a cookie sheet from Sears yesterday. It proudly states on the large label that came with it, "A New Generation of Faberware for a New Generation of Cooks." It's metal and covered in grey non-stick coating, pretty standard stuff these days. The, errm, entertaining part? Reading the back of the label once I got home and pulled it off.

I present, for your viewing pleasure, some head-scratching wtf-ery. The actual text from the label is in bold and my comments are normal text.

Important Safety, Use and Care Information

Thank you for choosing Faberware® Bakeware. These instructions are for your general safety, use and care to avoid personal injury and damage to your bakeware.
Soopah. Do tell me how to not maim myself and fr0g up my pan, oh mighty safety label!

BAKING

* Keep small children away from the oven while you are baking. Some pets, especially birds, have extremely sensitive respiratory systems and should be kept away from the kitchen area.
Oookay, is this one of those "Translation: We got sued cuz some idiot's kid got hurt while the parent was baking and not paying attention to the kid crawling in the oven" things? Odd that they mention birds specifically. Unless you remember how people used to use canaries in mines to warn miners that there were dangerous gasses in the area that would kill the bird before a human. Awesome. My brand new bakeware could make a bird sick or worse if its cage is in the kitchen while I'm cooking with this thing? Brilliant.

* Use caution when handling hot bakeware and always have potholders available for use.
Definite "Translation: We got sued." People should not be stupid enough to need to be told this. Sadly, instead of survival of the fittest, we have survival of who can sue fastest before a warning label is applied.

* Never place your bakeware over a direct flame. Do not use bakeware on stovetop, oven use only.
Same as last point most likely, but a more fitting entry to a proper care listing. So much for making a bunch of hotdogs faster over a campfire. Oh right, I hate camping. Unless it's in an FPS. xD

* Bakeware is oven safe to 500°F.
...Only? No wait, seriously? What happens should my usual gluten-free bread recipe sends the temperature past 475° like is quite common because I have a gas oven that has no idea what the temperature dial actually says (yay for oven thermometers)? I'll often find it at 500°F or higher if I space-case it and don't set the oven to 450° like I usually do, expecting it to hit at least 475° anyways. But yeah. WTF. My oven dial goes to 525° before it hits the Broil section. If you're going to produce bakeware, make it fr0gging bake-safe to a temperature nobody's going to get near. Maybe this "New Generation of Cooks" just uses the microwave instead.

* Never use your bakeware in the microwave.
Speaking of which... anyways, I'm calling "Translation: We got sued" on this one too. While my cookie sheet is big enough that I don't think there's a microwave out there that could hold it, this label looks generic enough to be packaged with smaller pans. But yeah, microwaves come with instructions that say NO METAL. Also, most people learn this really darn fast with the first metal object they try nuking (a spoon or even metal bits on a dish). I... I.... yeah whatever. Moving on, this one lost its funny already.

* Do not use metal or sharp-edged utensils, which will scratch the nonstick surface.
This always bugged me about nonstick stuff. I honestly wish there were more non-nonstick products out there. Y'know. Like, good old-fashioned bare metal. I can use oil. I can cook. But whatever. Okay, I shall baby my cookie sheet of fragileness.

* Do not use nonstick sprays.
I gotta wonder what that actually does, and why it doesn't get along. I don't own nonstick sprays anyways. That's what oil is for. I'm not paying some company extra just to stick it in a can and add a bunch of questionable chemicals to it. So, are we paying attention? No nonstick spray on the nonstick pan. Noted. Guessing if I use it, I'll start the zombie apocalypse.

CLEANING

* Before first use and after each use, wash pans thoroughly with mild dishwashing detergent and warm water. Do not use oven cleaners to clean cookware.
I think you can fill in the blank on this one. Gotta wonder what that lawsuit settlement netted the nitwit who not only had enough time to waste to connect oven cleaner and cookware, but then make it sue-worthy. Probably causes some nasty chemical reaction that's dangerous. Sigh. Of course oven cleaner is for fr0gging ovens. And anyone who can't wash a brand new dish before using it without being told to by the warning label is... well, probably appearing on today's episode of Judge Judy.

* Avoid soaking pans overnight. Dry promptly and thoroughly after washing.
Awesome, so if one extrapolates from the fact that this even has to be listed on the label... these pans are damaged by even slightly-extended exposure to water. Come on. Soaking pans with stuck-on food is normal. Who green-lighted this product?

* Although bakeware is dishwasher safe, hand washing is recommended.
Yeah cuz this thing kills birds, can't stand water for long, and isn't actually bakeable to a reasonable temperature.

* Do not use dishwasher detergent tablets; these concentrated cleansers will damage the finish.
You mean the ones even I use on below-poverty-line income? Yeah, okay, I only run the dishwasher like once every two months at the most and just use it as a dish drainer otherwise, but.......... yeah, I get it. "Welcome to your new cheap-ass cookie sheet. This is why you only paid $9.99 for it. Go back to using the microwave... and make me a sandwich, biatch."

Faberware® Quality Assurance

Faberware® is dedicated to producing a trusted brand of bakeware. Faberware® pans are manufactured and inspected to ensure the highest quality standards. Please let us know immediately if you find any defects with your new Faberware® pan. Please contact us via our website at...

Yadda yadda etc etc done. The sad thing is, my alternatives are pretty much the same thing from some other company. I miss cooking necessities free of harmful substances and goofy warning labels. But hey, the food industry itself has been trying to kill us for decades (if not longer). Why stop there? The stuff you use to cook that food may as well be dangerous too! Meanwhile, I'm gonna go wash my new cookie sheet. With dainty pink dish detergent and water that is hopefully not too hot. Whoo.